Origin of the Underwater Welders

The Underwater Welders began as a polka band, the Underwater Weldinskis, in the late early 90's. The money was steady, but they had difficulty garnering acceptance for their original material, such as the Fishing Discards Polka and the Non-Refundable Polka. The guitarist, Clem Whatsis, was quoted in a Lifetime interview as saying "well, every title had to end in 'Polka.' We found it limiting."

But they found new life as the Underwater Wedders, soon becoming the hippest wedding band in the entire Cleveland outer metropolitan area, at least until the ruinous publicity of a divorce between bass guitarist Taps McGee and drummer Mimi McGee. They might have weathered it if one of them actually quit the band, but both refused.

Finally giving up all hope of financial success, they changed their name to its current incarnation and decided to give it a go as an underground pop music sensation. They've been clawing the dirt ever since.

The First Cold Morning

Today was the First Cold Morning. I looked at my outie/innie thermometer and it said 37 degrees. I walked outside in a polar fleece sweater and I was still cold. Now the litter of leaves on my lawn really means something. This is the end. (of summer)

Office Party Secrets

The Kind of Secrets I Want To Hear At The Office Party

1. My pony is not actually in this country legally. I smuggled her in from Albania.

2. The girl has said things recently that suggest some serious cognitive dissonance. I'm thinking of returning her to the institution.

3. Technically it's not considered a disability because I can only affect DNA by direct contact.

4. Carly Simon is trying to tell me things by manipulating the clouds in my coffee.


The Kind of Secrets I Actually Hear At The Office Party

1. I hate my boss.

2. I used goto statements in my last program.

3. It's been on my elbow for 3 weeks. Do you think I should see a doctor?

The Saddest Coworker in the World

He sits across from the water cooler and the microwave, and that is why every day I must look into the eyes of the saddest coworker in the world. I thought of bringing him chocolate, but surely it would melt at his gaze. Those basset hound eyes can be neither tolerated nor resisted. I fear what would happen if he were to lift them from his lonely computerscreen world and make eye contact with me as I dribble out my cup of water.

Amazingly, he gave a training session once. Every sentence was clearly a terrible effort, and he never once looked up from the projector. He asked for questions, but no one dared. Imagine the answers he would give! Tales of woe to break the heart of a Viking. The very floors and ceilings would weep.

Alan Cummings will play him in the movie, wearing nerd glasses. But you won't recognize him. You will see only the spiraling gray core of sadness.

The Underwater Welders

I've been getting a lot of questions about the Underwater Welders. Some people want to know where they can buy earlier CDs, others want to know which CDs to buy, or which songs to download. Let me start by discussing their 2002 release, Music That's Good For You. It was in some ways innovative and brilliant, in other ways insipid. Recorded without a permit in Grand Central Station's men's room, it has that sense of immediacy that only illegal recording sessions can create. The echo effect, however, proved disastrous for some of the more lyrics-heavy songs, such as Why Not To Touch The Therumin and Leaning on a Standing Wall. The desperate listener can hear that a spider is inches away from Brookney's corpus colossum but can't make out which direction it's crawling (or the medication she's using, for that matter). Particularly frustrating was Woman Holding Cauliflower, during which one can only assume 7 men were using the urinals at the same time. Still, for people who enjoy recordings that straddle the line between live and studio, this one can't be missed. And the echo works great for Lonely Man Addresses Coat Hanger, adding a poignancy that was never there to begin with.

If I Were An Album

I'm tired of being a cookie-cutter Beatles fan. I refuse to get excited because Paul McCartney is getting favorable reviews. After all, he made plenty of great albums that got lousy reviews (why is "lousy" a normal adjective for "reviews" but for very little else? When have you ever seen lice crawling on a review? That is a rhetorical question!). But that doesn't matter to me anymore. Because from now on my favorite band is the Underwater Welders and all my excitement is saved for their new album, Not a Sizemore, due out in mid-late Fall.

As well as the title track, I veritably drip with anticipation to hear

Tacked to My Cubicle (UK Release has the much more intriguing title Pinned to My Cubicle)
Calculating the Gratuity
Getting Away with a Chiminea
Last of the Red Pushpins (Tacked to My Cubicle remix)
Two Teas From One Bag (Tea for Two remix)
I Don't Know What Torrid Means
Lord of the Rings Three Made Me Gay
Stand On Me
Last Time I Do That (with no shoes on)
If The Glove Doesn't Fit Try a (Civil) Suit
The Last Song's Always Sad

It's Not Always Good to Be Right

So, it turns out I was right about the Bush administration. Dubya is not a leader, and none of the people he appoints are leaders. They have no initiative, no imagination and precious little compassion. Finally, this has been proven to the whole world, even to people who were too thick to recognize the disaster that is Iraq. But I'm in no mood to gloat. I don't feel that it took a lot of insight for me to know what I knew. I certainly didn't have any inside information. It just sickens me to think that people are so easily fooled. What hope does our democracy have? Is it at the mercy of the Karl Roves? Whichever team has the best Karl Rove will win?

Nor does it provide me with any solace that "red states" were the ones devastated. The people suffering the most right now probably were not a Bush majority. Many probably didn't vote at all, and I'm sure the Republicans made it very difficult for those who did. But red states suffering under Bush's policies is nothing new. It's just as sad as any other suffering.